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To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Perennial Modern Classics)

To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH REVIEW*(* entertainment purposes only) Huck Finn v. To Kill A Mockingbird(Dramatic newsy-type music, accompanied by a very polished voiceover):...And now live, from Tacoma, Washington: the BirdBrian News Nework brings you the latest election coverage.(fade in) (A late 50's BirdBrian with a bad toupee sits behind the news desk, with a map of the U.S. on the wall behind, indicating incoming election results.)BB: (in a relaxed, yet authoritative style) If you're just joining us tonight, we're watching a race that's going down to the wire. Incumbant Atticus Finch is fighting for his political career, as young upstart Huck Finn has been burning up the polls on a wave of popular support. I turn now to BNN's in-house political analyst, Tricia Tanaka. (turning to Tanaka)Trish, six months ago, projections had Finch as the clear winner, but now these two candidates are neck and neck. What happened?Tricia Tanaka (TT): Well, as you know Bird, Finch has always enjoyed strong humanitarian credentials. Ever since defending the innocent Tom Robinson in that trial, Finch's reputation for integrity was untouchable. But Mr. Finn has effectively neutralized this advantage with credentials of his own: namely, assisting the former slave Jim's escape to freedom. BB: Interesting. Both candidates have also had their scandals, as well.TT: Yes. Atticus' campaign took a turn for the worse when he shot that dog.BB: That was a rabid dog, I should add.TT: True, the dog was rabid, but voters' don't remember that. They just remember that Finch shot a dog in broad daylight. That's bad for the animals' rights crowd and the gun control lobby, both. It's never good for a campaign to shoot an animal.BB: Dick Cheney shot a man in 2006, and it didn't hurt him politically.TT: Completely different, Brian. For one thing, Dick Cheney was a Vice President... and the guy he shot was a lawyer. It's a lot different.BB: Mr. Finn also had some scandals...TT: Sure. We learned early on about Finn's proclivity for dressing in girls' clothing. That might have been damaging in days gone by, but after Rudy Giuliani, voters have become a lot more understanding about tranvestitism.BB: True: I'm wearing womens' underwear right now. But what about Finn's alleged connections with Big Tobacco?TT: Completely unsubstantiated. The tobacco lobby denies any connection between their massive donations to Finn's campaign, and his re-popularizing of the corn-cob pipe. BB: And the Ferrari?TT: Finn's corn-cob Ferrari was a donation by an anonymous admirer. His campaign assures us there is no connection there with Big Tobacco.BB: So what differentiates these two candidates? How would the world look different under the Finn administration, compared to Finch?TT: As Mr. Finn's campaign manager, Tom Sawyer has explained before, Finn seeks to bolster employment with an aggressive program of domestic raft-building. If elected, he promises to launch the Navy's first nuclear-powered raft during his first two years in office, and to order as many as 100 more. BB: Mmmmm. Making America's rivers safe again...TT: Finn would also make wrastlin' a compulsory part of public schools' physical education programs.BB: (touching his earpiece, listening intently)I'm going to interrupt you here, Trish... we've got some breaking news... apparently a demonstration of some sort at one of the vote counting centers in Florida. Over to you, Brenda!(switch to live feed: Brenda Starr standing on the street, surrounded by thousands of angry protesters- most of them clad in garb of the rural 1870's- chanting "RE-COUNT! RE-COUNT! RE-COUNT!")Thanks, BirdBrian! This is a phenomenal turn of events! I'm standing outside the office of the Florida Elections Canvassing Commission, where the official election results have just been certified. Atticus Finch got 2,907,351 votes; Huck Finn got zero! It seems that most of Finn's supporters are from the 1870's and didn't understand what the computerized voting machines were. Most of them wrote "Huck Finn" in pencil on the actual voting machine screens, thinking this would count as a valid ballot cast. Outraged supporters are now crying foul, claiming the voting instructions unfairly assumed voters knew what a "voting machine" was. Incredible!(switch back to BirdBrian and Tanaka in studio)BB: Thanks, Brenda. As results pour in now, it looks like this same situation is going on around the nation... Finch has won this race by a landslide. With the last polls turning in votes now, it looks like Finch has won by a starling 99.98% of the vote... that's even better than Kim Jong Il, in his last election!This is history in the making, folks... and you saw it here on the BirdBrian News Network! Stay tuned; we'll be back right after these commercial messages!(fade out)MATCH POINT: To Kill A Mockingbird