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To Kill a Mockingbird

To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee Lee CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH REVIEW*(* entertainment purposes only) To Kill A Mockingbird v. Hamlet(Dramatic newsy-type music, accompanied by a very polished voiceover):...we now return live to Tacoma, Washington for the BirdBrian News Nework "Decision 2015" official candidate debates.(fade in) A late 50's BirdBrian (BB) with a bad toupee stands behind a podium at center stage. Hamlet and Atticus Fich appear behind podiums to either side of him.BB: If you're just joining us, welcome. It's been four years since Finch was elected to office in a landslide victory against Huckleberry Finn, back before Mr. Finn gained notoriety at the helm of Phillip-Morris, Inc. Now, Finch again faces a formidable enemy in the noble and educated Mr. Hamlet. Today's is the first in a series of debates between candidates Finch and Hamlet. We've gone over the rules and introduced our candidates before the commercial break, so let's get to it! My first question is for Hamlet:"Atticus Finch is one of the most beloved father figures in literature. His understated, powerful yet gentle demeanor has been an inspiration to millions. In contrast, Mr. Hamlet, you killed your uncle, and some say you drove your lover Ophelia to madness and suicide. Why should I believe, as you say, that you're a "family values" candidate?"BB: Ooooooh, harsh one! Mr. Hamlet, how do you respond?Hamlet: These are but wild and whirling words! Family values hold I most fair, for if vile mine acts were, they were all but to assure mine Mother's royal bed be not a couch for luxury and damned incest. Mine Father have I likewise honored, by seeking to avenge his most tragic and undeserved death.BB: And Ophelia?Hamlet: I loved Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers could not with all their quantity of love make up my sum.Atticus Finch: You sure had a funny way of showing it. (a smattering of laughter from the audience)BB: I'll remind both candidates to please not speak out of turn. Our next question is for Mr. Finch, by way of YouTube. Let's take a look:(YouTube video starts, with jerky-motion footage of a pimply-faced 20-something kid looking into the camera)Pimply Kid: President Finch, every time I see you on television, you appear in black and white. To this day, you continue to wear fashions of clothing which haven't been popular since the 1930's. Even your manner of speaking, eloquent and free of slang, seems antiquated to me. Why should I -a young voter who can't even remember a world without cell phones and the internet- believe that you can truly understand and represent me and my interests?(video ends)BB: (turning from watching the projection to face the camera again) Fair question. How about it, Mr. Finch?Atticus Finch: I believe I have been consistent in my record of standing for truth, justice, honesty and integrity. I hold that these traits are timeless, but -with all due respect, young man- if you don't think those characteristics are "cool" or "hip", then by all means, I would encourage you not to vote for me.(pauses to take a sip of water)I find it amusing that I would be the candidate here tonight to be questioned about how representative I am of the voting public. It is my understanding that Mr. Hamlet here isn't even an American citizen! (turns to Hamlet) We've all heard the stories about how he was born in Denmark, so again I must challenge you, Mr. Hamlet: show us your birth certificate!(smattering of enthusiastic cheers from the audience)BB: (motioning to the audience to settle down) Mr. Hamlet, I'll allow you a chance to respond.Hamlet: Come, Bird, come. These are slanders, Sir! Whiles memory holds a seat in this distracted globe, I'll wipe away all trivial fond records!Atticus: Why destroy records, if you've nothing to hide? (supporters in the audience cheer)BB: Okay, okay... Mr. Hamlet has given his response; we're going to move on now.Another one for Mr. Hamlet: This one comes to us by way of Facebook. AwesomeDude69 writes:"Mr. Hamlet, you're born to nobility and next in line for the crown of Denmark. You are on familiar terms with many international leaders, yet you present yourself as a political outsider. How am I supposed to believe that you're an outsider?"BB: No softballs here tonight, folks! Hamlet, what say you?Hamlet: I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offenses at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in, imagination to give them shape or time to act them in. What should such fellows as I do crawling between earth and heaven? Believe none of us.BB: Wow! "Believe none of us!?" Now there's a bold outsider's position, if ever I heard one! You'll never hear a beltway insider say that! Well played, Sir!(turning to Atticus Finch) This next one's from our studio audience. A Mrs. Mary-Jo Schlooznik (MJS) from East Osmosis, Missouri.(camera turns to a nervous-looking soccer Mom-type, who holds a microphone in one hand, and reads her question off a card, speaking in a somewhat monotone voice)MJS: Mr. Finch, the world has never been more complicated or complex. America faces more diplomatic challenges with more players than ever before in history. You come from a sleepy rural town, where people don't even lock their doors when they leave their homes. Your opponent, on the other hand, has been already been tempered by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. He's negotiated with pirates and kings. He himself was part of a diplomatic envoy from Denmark to England. He not only avoided an assassination attempt abetted by his two-faced friends, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, but he cleverly managed to have the two rogues murdered in his stead! Considering your opponent's impressive diplomatic skills and political intuition, why should I believe you are more qualified to meet the foreign policy challenges our nation now faces?(camera returns to BirdBrian)BB: Great question, Mrs. Schlooznik. Mr. Finch, how do you respond?(camera to Atticus Finch)Finch: (fumbling though some notes) I... um...(awkward pause)The, er, that is, my integrity... (more awkward pause, as a bead of sweat rolls down Finch's cheek)(pointing at Hamlet) HE'S KILLED LIKE SIX PEOPLE!!!! (pointing now at the audience with a sweeping gesture) HOW COULD ANY OF YOU EVEN CONSIDER VOTING FOR THIS MAN?!??BB: (stern) Mr. Finch, please answer the question.Finch: POLONIUS... CLAUDIUS - HIS OWN UNCLE!!! HIS OWN FLESH AND BLOOD! HIS "FRIENDS" ROSENCRANZ AND GUILDENSTERN!! OPHELIA... HE WAS RESPONSIBLE!! LAERTES! HE'S A COLD-BLOODED MURDERER! HE SHOULD BE IN JAIL, NOT RUNNING FOR HIGH OFFICE!!!BB: I'm sorry, Mr. Finch, you've been warned. You're disqualified from further participation. MATCH POINT: HamletHamlet: It appears, every dog has his day!