CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH REVIEWS*(*entertainment purposes only)ALTERNATE UNIVERSE IMAGININGS; A deathmatch that never was:Hamlet v. The Great GatsbySetting: A party at Tom and Daisy Buchanan's extravagant Jazz Age mansion on Long Island. Nick Carroway (NC) is at the bar, mixing himself a drink, when he notices the image of Hamlet (H) materialize in a the mirror on the wall.NC: What ho! An apparition!H: (in an otherworldly voice) Nick... my friend... a great injustice has befallen me. See you the Mistress of this party, Daisy Buchanan?NC: Uh, yeah.H: I once loved her true, and she held me too in steel hoops against her heart. But then I was sent off to war, and ere before I was dead a month, she married Tom Buchanan.NC: This sounds familiar. Wasn't she going with Jay Gatsby before, and then he got sent off to war?H: It was a war, Nick. A lot of people got sent off! And, yes, she went with Gatsby too... she "got around" if you know what I mean, but I was first.NC: (processing the information) Okay. So what do you want me to do?H: A play! We're going to put on a play of exactly what happened to me, and it'll make Tom Buchanan freak out...NC: (looking around) These people are all drunk, and there's a lot of debauchery going on. I don't think they're going to sit still to watch a play. H: We don't have to do it right now! We have to get some players and costumes anyhow... it will take some doing.NC: (sceptical) Sounds complicated. What's the point of freaking Tom out?H: It will prove he's guilty!NC: Guilty of what? You died in the war.H: (perturbed) Okay! Forget the play! Just... go over and avenge me!NC: Avenge you!? Like kill him?! I barely know the guy!Jay Gatsby (JG): (walking up behind Nick) Talking to yourself, Nick?NC: No (motions to the mirror)- this ghost Hamlet says he used to date Daisy before you. Wants me to kill Tom Buchanan.JG: (sees Hamlet in the mirror, and with an angry expression of his face, punches his fist into his open hand) Another one! That little hussy! That does it- Tom Buchanan is going to pay!Hamlet: Wait!! Don't go rushing in... don't you want to be, you know.. kind of indecisive about it?JG: Indecisive nothin! I've never been more sure of anything in my life!Gatsby walks out to the dancefloor where Tom and Daisy are cheek-to-cheek. He pulls the two apart and grabs Daisy by the arms.JG: I thought I was special to you! It's bad enough that you couldn't wait for me, and you married (gesturing to Tom with disgust) this guy... but now I find out you were dating Hamlet!?Daisy Buchanan (DB): (laughing) Hamlet?!? That was ages ago! We went on like one date! He kissed my hand at the end of the evening. That was it!Hamlet: (calling from back on the mirror) It's called chivalry, you tart! Some people like to take things slow, you know?Tom Buchanan: Jay, I'm sure we can come to some reasonable...JG: Forget it!! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU!!! (pulls out a gun and shoots Tom dead)Daisy: (screams) I LOVED HIM!! (grabs gun from Jay and shoots him with it)(pause)On seeing her husband and lover both dead on the floor, Daisy is overcome with grief. She shoots herself and falls dead on them.NC: (in disbelief) It's like the O.K. Corral around here. This is a bloodbath!H: I win! I win!NC: You "win"?!? How is this a win? You're dead! You didn't get the girl... you just killed a bunch of people!H: No, that's the way Shakespeare works. Everybody dies in the end. Trust me: this is a win for me.MATCH POINT: HamletGuildenstern and Rosencranz enter.Rosencranz: It's already over?!?! (waves his fist in anger) I was promised a free trip to England!