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Jane Eyre (Penguin Classics)

Jane Eyre - Michael Mason, Charlotte Brontë CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH REVIEW*(* entertainment purposes only) Hamlet v. Jane EyreScene 1- a guard tower of Elsinore castleGuard: Dear Prince Hamlet, I must tell you of an apparition I saw on the watch yesternight. The ghosts of Don Quixote and Anna Karenina…Hamlet: And how looked they? Frowningly?Guard: Well, they were dead, so… (suddenly) WHAT HO! (pointing) LOOK MY LORD, THEY COME AGAIN! THEY BECON YOU TO SPEAK!Hamlet: I go! I’ll make a ghost of him who would hinder me!Guard: (annoyed) So who’s stopping you?(Hamlet runs up the stairs to conference with the ghosts)Anna Karenina: Hamlet… Hamlet… mark us.Hamlet: I will!Don Quixote: Tis’ given out that we were in fair deathmatch competition by Jane Eyre felled.Anna Karenina: And so the whole ear of GoodReadsIs by a forged process of our deathRankly abused.Hamlet: So what really happened?Don Quixote: (eyes shifting, unsettled) Well… you know, dirty tricks! (Quixote’s horse whinneys)Anna Karenina: (slightly nervous, ad libbing) But that we are... uh, forbid... yeah! forbid to tell the secrets of our most unnatural and undeserved deaths, We could a tale unfold.... ummmm Don Quixote: ...Whose lightest word would harrow up thy soul, and freeeeze thy young blood!Hamlet: (shocked) That bad, huh? Okay, sounds like you need avenging! I’ll see what I can do!_________________________________________Scene 2- the court of King ClaudiusJane Eyre is standing next to Ophelia before the King and Queen. A crowd of courtesans and onlookers have gathered around, and many are crying openly. Hamlet: Mother! Uncle! I have important news to impart!Gertrude: Son, we’ve just been hearing a terrible tale of woe! Ophelia’s friend Jane has suffered abuses most extraordinary! Her parents expired… she was institutionalized at the most unfair Lowood charity school… her boyfriend fell off a horse...Hamlet: Yes Mother.. I know her story well, and I am most profoundly touched by it.Claudius: What news have you then, Hamlet?Hamlet: Sweet Lady Jane has come here to oppose me in deathmatch competition!(the audience startles)Jane: (turns, drawing a sword) Tis’ true! And I’ll have your head too!Hamlet: (with a calming hand gesture) Dear Lady… I concede the contest. Let you on to Round 4!(audience murmurs in confusion)Jane: But…Hamlet: Fair Denmark has but two months ago lost her King… no, not even so long ago! Would they now lose a prince, to one so clearly possessed of superior cunning and ability? Leave us and make your name in these Deathmatch Reviews!Jane: (suspicious) A most unusual decision…Hamlet: Dearly Lady, I would fight you, but I may not, as unvalued persons do,Carve for myself; For on my choice dependsThe safety and health of this whole state;And therefore must my choice be circumscribedUnto the voice and yielding of that bodyWhereof I will be the head.(audience claps approvingly)King Claudius: You choose well, Hamlet. (looking around) For mark me All: you are closest to our throne!Gertrude: So what happens now?Hamlet: On to Round 4! Miss Eyre is British, and in Round 4 she will face either Mary Poppins or Winnie the Pooh… British subjects, all, so the contest will undoubtedly be on English ground.(waving ticket in air)I’ve booked Lady Eyre passage to England aboard one of Denmark’s finest ships. (Guildenstern and Rosencranz enter)To ensure her safe passage, I’ve instructed my school friends Rosencranz and Guildenstern to accompany her.(holds sealed envelopes in his hand)These letters of introduction will ensure Jane is rightly received by our friend, the good King of England!(audience cheers)Jane: (extends her hand to Hamlet) You’ve taken a wise course! I never really wanted to hurt you.Hamlet: (takes her hand) Godspeed to England! (motions to Polonius) My servant good Polonius will see you to your ship.Polonius: (takes Jane by the hand and leads her offstage) Before you go, some advice: neither a borrower nor a lender be…(Polonius, Jane, Rosencranz and Guildenstern exit)MATCH POINT: HamletKing Claudius: Lately, we’ve feared you might be mad, Hamlet, but tonight you’ve shown good judgment. How shall we celebrate?Hamlet: I’ve prepared a play for your entertainment, Uncle. It’s called “The Mousetrap”…