276 Followers
48 Following
Hoss

Monkeypanic

The Catcher in the Rye

The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger Brian, aged 14 (B14): Holy Cow! It’s Holden Caulfield!! I can’t believe it’s really you! You’re like my hero!!Holden Caulfield (HC): Who are you?B14: (beaming) I’m Brian- I’m a huge fan!HC: (turns away, bored) Yeah, well, fuck off… I’m not interested in talking with you.B14: I get it! I get it! Everybody’s phony. That’s how I feel too! You should see people at the school I go to. It’s just exactly the way you describe.HC: (with a droll, uninterested expression) Yeah?B14: All the hypocrisy. All the fake bullshit that goes with socializing… I hate all of that stuff.HC: So we’re supposed to (air quotes) “bond” over that? Is that it?B14: Well… I guess.HC: If you want to bond with me, you missed the entire point of my book. I don’t want to bond with anybody- especially some needy puppy fanboy.B14: You’re an asshole. I’m not needy; I just genuinely liked the book. It spoke to me in ways that most people around me don’t. It articulates a lot of how I feel about the world.HC: Look, I don’t hate you. It’s just that I’m not who you think I am. I’m not the guy who’s too cool for everybody else, I’m the guy who can’t form healthy personal attachments, and I’m not being adult by bouncing around homeless in New York City; I’m running away from my life at the boarding school because all the new responsibilities, expectations and uncertainties of adulthood have me scared shitless. B14: See? I have trouble socializing with people too! Small talk kills me ...you should see me around girls. And I’m worried about making my way in the world too. The next few years are going to determine my whole life. (Note: that isn't entirely true, but B14 doesn't know it)HC: That’s all great, but you don’t need me as a role model. You read the book… I mean, you do know that I end up in a mental institution at the end, right?B14: I kind of took that part as, like, heroic. Like you weren’t going to sell out to the world, and the Establishment couldn’t stand having their bullshit called out, so they had to lock you up and hide you somewhere.HC: Pull your head out of your ass. You need to get a positive role model and stop glamorizing all these cynical, antisocial characters. Do yourself a favor and take down that poster in your bedroom of Alex from A Clockwork Orange.B14: Wha-?Brian, aged 42 (B42): He’s right about that, Brian. You aren’t impressing anybody. You two both need to get laid. Things won’t seem quite so bad after that.B14: I’m working on it.B42: Yeah.. if you’re talking about (name withheld) , forget about it. She isn’t interested. If you give her that heartfelt letter I know you're writing, she's going to read it to her friends at a slumber party, and they're all going to laugh about it.(Holden chuckles)Holden Caulfield, aged 42 (HC42) (a disheveled heroin addict who reeks of urine), to HC14: What are you giggling about?