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Macbeth (Folger Shakespeare Library)

Macbeth - William Shakespeare CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH REVIEW*(* entertainment purposes only) MacBeth v. The Complete Sherlock HolmesSetting: Great Birnam Wood (a very misty forest), where the three witches stand in a clearing, chanting their incantations over a cauldron filled with dry ice and warm water.(Sherlock Holmes and MacBeth enter together as comrades)Witches: All hail Sherlock Holmes, winner of Celebrity Deathmatch Reviews!Holmes: Wha-? MacBeth: And what of me? If you can look into the seeds of time, what be my fate?Witches: You won’t win, but you can be Thane of Cawdor.MacBeth: “Thane of Cawdor”? I don‘t even know what that is.Witches: Nobody does... but it sounds cool, doesn’t it?Sherlock Holmes: (looking closely at one of the witches through his oversized magnifying lens) Most unusual… these woman give the appearance of witches, and seem to speak with supernatural authority about the future. Of course science instructs us that this is patently impossible, and when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.MacBeth: What sayest thou? Call you these three liars?Sherlock Holmes: Well, I -Witches: (incensed) Fine! Be that way!! Look a gift horse in the mouth!(they disappear in a poof of smoke)Sherlock Holmes: (meekly) I was just starting out with some solid observations. I always start off that way. I never just dive in with conclusions.MacBeth: (quizzical) That was weird, the way they just got mad and left. So... does that mean they revoked their prophecy?Sherlock Holmes: (one index finger pointing upward with authority) Emperically speaking- (stops suddenly, with a look of deathly pain on his face. He then keels over face-down onto the ground, revealing Lady MacBeth standing behind him, with a bloody dagger in her hand)Lady MacBeth: (triumphant look on her face, gives the "fist pull" sign of victory with the hand which is not holding the dagger) Gotcha, Sucker!!!MacBeth: (outraged) Hey! The killing part is supposed to be my job!! And… "Gotcha, Sucker”???" ...what is this, a Schwartzenegger film?? You can't be butchering Shakespeare's beautiful English like that! We would never have gotten this far in the tournament without it.Lady MacBeth: (unimpressed) Hon, this isn’t a full-length play, it’s a review. Short and sweet. (snapping her fingers) Keep the action moving. And BirdBrian (with a dismissive hand gesture) ...is no Shakespeare. Count yourself lucky he hasn’t dropped any f-bombs in this review yet.MacBeth: (fingers to temples in overwrought theatrical distress) Full of scorpions is my mind!Dr Watson: (stepping from behind a nearby tree) Very curious. Holmes’ death has proven the witches’ prophecy to in fact be inaccurate… he can’t win the Celebrity Deathmatch Reviews now... which means they didn’t tell the future… which means they weren’t really witches at all! It seems in death he is vindicated... (with intrigue) and the mystery of their identity broadens.(the witches suddenly re-appear in a second poof of smoke)Witch #1: (defensively) All we said was “All hail Sherlock Holmes, winner of Celebrity Deathmatch Reviews!”Witch #2: We were just congratulating him on his victory over Le Petit Prince in Round 1.Witch #3: (stomping her foot and whining in a juvenile manner) God! Nobody “gets” us!!!(they disappear in a third poof of smoke)MATCH POINT: MacBethMacBeth: (confused) Oh. So it's over? I guess I did win in this review, after all. (more upbeat) Hmmm- I still have a shot at winning Celebrity Deathmatch Reviews!Lady MacBeth: (dramatically) I feel now the future in the instant!Watson: (disgusted with Lady MacBeth) What’s your strategy? Kill your way to the top? It seems pretty vulgar.MacBeth: Haven’t you been paying attention? She’s filled from the crown to the toe of direst cruelty.Watson: (sarcastic) Lucky you.