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Mrs Beeton's Book of Household Management: Abridged edition (Oxford World's Classics)

Mrs Beeton's Book of Household Management: Abridged edition (Oxford World's Classics) - Isabella Beeton CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH REVIEW*(* entertainment purposes only) Mrs Beeton's Book of Household Management v. Mary PoppinsIn her spotlessly clean kitchen, Mrs. B is busying cutting vegetables. All around her are various delicious-looking dishes, ready and waiting to be served. A turkey is in the oven, and several apple pies are cooling near the window. It is silent except for Mrs.B softly humming to herself.Suddenly, there is a very distant rumbling. Thunder? It had been a sunny day today. Now it was dusk, so harder to tell. Mrs. B peers out the window, but night has nearly fallen. Outside is a peaceful scene of a suburbia. The streetlights have just come on.Mrs. B goes back about her work, for a few seconds... but then notices that the sound persists.Could somebody be working a mechanical device of some kind? Maybe road construction going on, far from here?The noise is palpably louder now. She pushes the kitchen door open and calls out to her family."Is anybody there?" (pause) "Hello?"No answer. She goes back about her business, but now the noise... the mystery of it really, has become an irritation.It is still louder now. She walks out to the living room. Nobody there.She calls up the stairs. No reply.She opens the front door, and hears the noise. It's definitely coming from outside.She walks around outside a bit, but sees nothing. So she returns to the kitchen.The noise is much louder.Soon the plates begin to shake. The floor is moving slightly.An earthquake!It's in full force now, and deafening. Plates of food are falling off the tables and countertops onto the floor. Glass is breaking. Sparks fly from the back of the refrigerator. The walls are bucking and lurching now... it's very much in question whether the entire house is going to fall on her.Suddenly, one of the outer walls burst apart, and a stampede of literary characters pours forth, unstoppable, with all the destructive force of an avalanche. Mrs. B is completely overcome and engulfed in the wave of persons now, and disappears from view. Amidst the chaos are seen: MacBeth (King and Lady), Sherlock Holmes and Watson, a parade of black-clad guards in INGSOC military garb, Huck Finn, the entire Winnie-the-Pooh gang, Hamlet, the Mad Hatter, Alice, the Queen of Hearts, Tweedledee (or is it Tweedledum?), Virgil and a horned devil, and the White Rabbit. A Congo riverboat plows through the kitchen floor as if cutting through water, proceeding across the kitchen, smashing though the far wall, and continuing on through the living room and beyond. Various indistict minor players from twenty or more novels follow.The kitchen is completely demolished. Mrs.B is cartoonishly flattened like a pancake on the floor, blinking up at the ceiling in dumbfounded shock. A few creaks and groans are heard in the kitchen's structure as it begins to settle. As the dust slowly clears, Mary Poppins descends through a hole in the ceiling and lands squarely on Mrs. B, standing on her as if she were a rug.Looking down, Mary smiles."A cookbook? Really?", she shakes her head."You thought a cookbook was going to beat the imaginative and timeless tales of the canon of fiction? The audacity!!"Mrs. B can only blink in bewilderment.Mary snorts to herself in disgust, then points into Mrs. B's face."You messed with the wrong genre, Lady."Mary then walks out without another word.MATCH POINT: Mary Poppins