CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH REVIEW*(* entertainment purposes only) les Trois Mousquetaires v. The Count of Monte CristoCamera pans over a studio audience. Professional announcer calls out:"LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! WELCOME TO AMERICA'S SEXIEST GAME SHOW: 'THE DATING GAME!!!' (audience cheers; camera fixes on the game's host, BirdBrian)BB: Welcome ladies and gentlemen! We all know the rules- our bachelorette will sit here (motions to chair) and ask our contestants questions. The divider will prevent her from seeing them. Based on our bachelors' answers, she'll pick one lucky winner to go on an all-expenses-paid dream date!Tonight we're playing a special celebrity edition, so our bachelorette needs no introduction.. please welcome Miss Jessica Rabbit!(music, applause, Miss Rabbit takes a seat)BB: One quick question before we begin... aren't you married to Roger Rabbit? You can't be on the Dating Game if you're married.JR: BirdBrian, as you know, this is fiction, so the author has taken the liberty of setting this play in the past- back before I met Roger.BB: Great news- thanks for clearing that up, Jessica!Okay- now let's meet our bachelors!Announcer:Bachelor #1 is merchant sailor-turned Count. He currently lives on his own island in the Mediterranean. His hobbies include outsmarting smugglers, finding lost treasure, and breaking out of prisons... please welcome Edmond Dantes! (audience goes wild)(announcer continues...)Bachelor #2 is a professional swashbuckler. When he isn't hanging out with his buddies Arthos and Aramis, he's enjoying a delicious chocolate candy bar named in his honor! Please welcome Porthos!(smattering of applause)(announcer continues...)Bachelor #3 is not appreciably different from Bachelor #2... please welcome Athos!Athos gives the announcer a "WTF??" look.(two or three lone claps from the audience)Porhos(P): (holding up his finger for attention) BirdBrian, BirdBrian...BB: Yes?P: I just want to clarify... the announcer called me a professional swashbuckler. I just.. it seems kind of unfair, after introducing Mr. Dantes as a Count. ED: I am a Count.P: Yes, but I am a Barron. Baron du Vallon de Bracieux de Pierrefonds, to be exact. It's quite an exaulted title.JR: (annoyed) I'm a Hollywood star! I have my own money! You think I care about your titles?P: (defensive) I'm just saying...JR: I'm not a golddigger! I don't need your money!P: (more defensive) Okay, it's just that...JR: Geez! Get over yourself!BB: Okay, okay...let's get started... Jessica, what's your first question?JR: My first question is for Bachelor #3: I believe a man's clothing often proclaims his character. What are you wearing right now?Athos (A): Well, dear Lady, I've got on my finest puffy shirt...JR: (giggling) "Puffy shirt"?!? Like on Seinfeld?!?A: Oui, oui... M.Seinfeld wore his with greatest distinction on his 1990's comedy show...I also have a fine hat with a long, smart-looking ostrich feather...JR: (interrupting) You know? I think I've heard enough. Thank you, Bachelor #3.A: (to BirdBrian) bu- but I haven't described my dramatically flared puffy pants yet!(BirdBrian shruggs in apology)BB: Okay, then. What's your next question, Jessica?JR: Bachelor #1: I meet so many vacuous, insecure, self-absorbed men here in Hollywood. I long to meet a man of courage, conviction, and passion. Please tell me something to show me you're a man of character.ED: I had a lot of time to think about character when I was framed for treason and imprisoned for fourteen years. Instead of just giving up to my fate, I broke out of prison, evaded smugglers and hunted down a hidden treasure. With the proceeds of the treaure, I bought my own island and countship, and then put into motion a complicated scheme to exact delicious revenge from the men who had framed me. I was able to do this, by conducting secret meetings with world leaders and high-level financiers to manipulate the international bond market.(silence)Jessica is spellbound, with her fingers over her mouth in astonishment.BB: Jessica? Jessica? Did that answer suffice?JR: Bird, did it ever! Wow!!(Athos and Porthos look over at Dantes, annoyed)BB: Okay, next question Jess!JR: Bachelor #2: My looks intimidate men. It's actually been a long time since I've been on a date. If you and I were to go out, what sort of fun time would you show me?P: Oh, Mme.Rabbit! I am known far and wide for the boisterous, rough-and-tumble good times my good friends and I are always having! My dear friends Athos (motions to Athos), Aramis and D'Artagnan are forever carousing and getting into scrapes... one might say the adventures never cease with us!JR: (sarcastic, with an expression of distaste on her face) Oh. What lucky girl wouldn't want to be a fifth wheel to you and your buddies, as you go out on the town drinking and fighting? P: No, no! We... my dear friends, of course...JR: No, I get it. (rolls her eyes) You're just like my boyfriend in college. You don't still live in your parents' home, do you?P: (eyes lowered, mumbling somewhat) It is the family manor, of course... been in my line for generations....BB: Okay! Next question!JR: Bachelor #3: I am a celebrity spokesperson for serveral charities. I believe in making the world a better place. How do you make the world a better place?A: AH! Mme.Rabbit! I have dedicated myself to opposing the evil mechinations of the dastardly Cardinal de Richelieu!JR: A cardinal? Like.. we're talking about the Catholic church here?A: (indecisive hand gesture) Oui... but... I don't think very much representative of the faith.JR: (trying to comprehend) So... in a world troubled by hunger, illiteracy, socioeconomic injustice, fiat currencies, terrorism, wars, poverty, a corrupt International Monetary Fund, exploitation, trafficking in persons, autoritarian abuses of civil liberties, and fraudulent elections... your big cause is fighting some priest?A: (faintly) A Cardinal, Mme.JR: (shakes her head in disbelief, then looks to BirdBrian) Bird, I don't think we need to continue. I choose Bachelor #1.(music plays, balloons fall from the ceiling, Dantes reveals himself from behind the stage divider and takes a delighted Jessica Rabbit into his arms)MATCH POINT: The Count of Monte CristoP: Unfair! This whole affair was rigged! UNFAIR!BB: Quit your whining! That guy (motions to Dantes) was in prison for fourteen years! You don't hear him whining about his fate!