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Country Wisdom and Know-How: Everything You Need to Know to Live Off the Land

Country Wisdom and Know-How: Everything You Need to Know to Live Off the Land - SCENE 1Setting: Tacoma Book Store (a large used book store)Country Wisdom and Know-How (CWaK): Pssssst!BirdBrian (BB): (looks around) Wha-?CWaK: Hey! Over here!BB: Me? (sees CWaK on a stack on the floor) Oh, hello.CWaK: You like brewing your own beer, don't you?BB: It's been a while, but... yes.CWaK: I thought so! You kind of have that look. Check out page 168... a bunch of cool ideas for cheap ways to make your own immersion wort chillers!* BB: (with a dumb laugh) "Cool ideas"...I get it. (picks up the book and leafs through it)CWaK: ...And that's not all! Your wife is a chef, isn't she?BB: (not sure where this is going) Uh. Yeah.CWaK: Check out all my cool recipes! Page 138: homemade bread! Page 159: pickling and preserving vegetables!BB: (interested, but completely out of his element) Oh... this looks good.Chizuru (BB's wife): (arms full of books, speaking to BB) Okay, this should be enough to keep me busy for a week. Are you ready to go?BB: I guess so. (considers CWaK for a second, and then puts it on his purchase pile)CWaK: Yeeeee Haw!Scene 2Setting: BB's home, several days later.BB: Oh, I almost forgot about you. Let's see what else you've got to show me. (opens CWaK and starts perusing)CWaK: If you're ever stuck in the middle of the forest, you can survive by eating bugs! I'll tell you which ones! Beetles are high in protein. BB: I don't think-CWaK: (interrupting) Don't eat spiders or caterpillars, as they can be poisonous.BB: I...CWaK: Mosquitos are also inadvisable, as they can trasmit any blood-borne pathogens, like malaria, hepatitis, West Nile Virus, or Equine Encephalitis.BB: Okay! Okay! I don't think I'm going to eat any bugs.CWaK: If you want to make maple syrup, you have to collect it during a period when the sap freezes at night, but flows freely during the day. BB: That's.... interesting.CWaK: If there's no freezing period, the sap will be too low in sugar to make syrup, and if there's no thaw, well obviously you can't collect any sap! BB: Okay. I-CWaK: Here's a story about how some ill-advised businessmen tried to plant maples down in Florida, but couldn't make any syrup, because they hadn't done the proper research... har har! (elbows BB in the ribs)BB: (droll) Hilarious. To be honest, I'm not that interested.CWaK: The best way to kill a goose is to hang him upside down, so all the blood rushes to his head, and he passes out. That way, he won't stuggle, and you can drain the blood neatly into a bucket below, when you slit his throat. They make special goose strait-jackets for just such occasions. [image not available]BB: I live in a small apartment, in case you haven't noticed.CWaK: (looking around) Too bad... I've got some good info on butchering rabbits and pigs too.BB: (looking at the cover) Hmmmmmm.... "Country Know-How", huh? I'm kind of a city boy. We might not be a very good match.CWaK: No! No! Don't paint me with such a narrow brush! I could be for camping too!BB: (skeptical, flips to the table of contents; reads aloud) Page 36: "Simple toys you can make for your cat." ...Camping, huh? CWaK: (sheepish) A bad example! Pick another one!BB: (continuing) Page 180: "Quilting Basics". This does not really fit my idea of camping.CWaK: Okay, look... (lowers voice) you've heard about the Aztec calendar, right? 2012? BB: (incredulous) The end of the world? For serious? You're going to be useful, come the apocalypse?CWaK: Suuure... I just can't be marketed like that, or it would freak everybody out -but check out some of the websites where I'm sold. I'm all about surviving doomsday!BB: (opens to table of contents again; reads aloud) Page 195: "Make your own Potpourri..."CWaK: Admittedly, that is more of a "whimper" scenereo than a "bang" situation.BB: (apologetic) I'm sorry; I don't think this is going to work. CWaK: (desperate) Page 67: "Buying or Selling a Horse"?!BB: It's not you; it's me.CWaK: (more desperate) Page 346: GROW A BUTTERFLY GARDEN!!?!BB: Don't make this harder than it has to be.CWaK: NO! NOOO! PAGE 412!! BRAID YOUR OWN RUG!!!BB: You're a great book. You're going to make some lucky reader very happy, one day.CWaK: NOOOOO! PAGE 464!!! PRUNING.... aw shit, forget it.When do we go back to the store?BB: This isn't the first time this has happened to you, is it?CWaK: (looks away, embarrassed)---------------------------------*a device for rapidly cooling beer in the "wort" stage, prior to firmentation