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Killer Crabs

Killer Crabs - Guy N. Smith June 18, 2011Dear Headmaster Otis,I feel terrible about my role in this recent outbreak of Crabs, which has brought so much shame on our fair institution. I just wanted to write to you to explain how I came to be involved. I’m sure you’ll see that it is really no fault of my own, and there’s probably no reason my parents would need to be notified of my very minor part in these events. It started a few weeks ago. I was sitting in study hall, minding my own business, reading Proust Infinite Jest The Zombie Autopsies. I had had a lot of coffee that morning… I don’t know, I guess because it was dark and overcast outside, and I just couldn’t seem to wake up. That was a big mistake. I usually try not to drink coffee on days I have study hall, because it’s all the way down at the end of “B” wing, and the only bathroom down there is in that poorly-lit corner across from the wood shop. In case you didn’t know, tough upperclassmen hang out down there, and steal kids’ lunch money. There’s also stories of smoking pot, and s-e-x going on in the janitor’s closet- but you didn’t hear that from me. So anyway, I had to pee so bad, I just had to risk it. I went into the bathroom, and I guess I walked in on something. There was a bad group of kids in there--- you know the ones. Troublemakers. There was Michael, who acts so respectable and studious, starting research groups and stuff, but really he‘s the one who brought Crabs to this school! Also, he once bought beer for me without even checking my I.D. See? Those are the ones you have to watch out for- the fine upstanding types, especially the thinking ones. Caris was there too. I’m sure you know all about him. He writes “bizarro” stuff, which means he’s probably a mental patient or criminal deviant trying to pass himself off as an author. Did you read that egg thing of his? That boy ain’t right. You may be surprised to hear our valedictorian, Karen, was present as well. (I know! Right? A girl in the boy’s lavatory! My mother warned me about her.) There’s a rumor going around that she reviewed a cookbook of jizz recipes!? That‘s sounds so crazy; I’m sure such a thing doesn’t exist. It’s probably just a conspiracy theory. But it is true that she has a pierced tongue, and what more do you need to know? That’s like a big message to the world saying “Stop me before I kill again!” And last, there was K.I. Hope, but you know, I just want to put in a good word for her, because she’s always really nice to me when those others aren’t around. I’m sure she was just there because the others tricked her into being there. She’s probably just going through a phase.So when I walked in, they were all huddled around something I couldn‘t see, snickering. I just turned to leave right away, but Caris blocked the door, and asked me, kind of menacing-like “Where you going so fast, Bird Man?” “I just had to pee, but now I don’t have to any more.”The other three were whispering among themselves, like “Should we show him?”, then they kind of gathered around me.Karen was smiling at me funny/flirty. “Since you’re cutting class anyway, why don’t you join us?” “Uh… I should probably be getting back.”Michael was hiding something in his jacket, and giggling like he was a little bit high. “We were just about to have a little fun.”Then K.I. pressed up against me, like, you know, her body, and she whispered in my ear in a real Marilyn Monroe “Happy-Birthday-Mr.President” voice and said “I like to have fun… don’t you… like to have… fun?” And I don’t know what happened inside my brain then, but I heard my mouth saying to her “Oh… okay.” That’s when Michael reached into his jacket and brought it out: Crabs.Things got kind of blurry after that. It was crazy. There were like, these giant crabs, and this guy, Klin who was supposed to be the hero, but really he was kind of a psychopath. He was rugged and determined, and didn’t take “no” for an answer! …which was a good trait to have when the question was “Can these Crabs be defeated?”, but not such a good trait when the question was “Would you like to have consensual sexual intercourse with me?“ The author kept telling us that the Crabs were evil, but why were they evil? They were just behaving like any crabs. Caroline du Brunner was an important character in this book, because she had frequent and powerful orgasms, during which she was often unable to focus her vision. There were a lot of people getting snipped in half by giant crab claws, and human heads washed up on shore, with "neck tendons" (?) hanging out of them. The Crab shells were impermeable to bullets, so the military was called in. Naturally there was an expert- a professor who knew why the Crabs were getting big, and how to stop them. Basically if you’ve ever seen one monster movie from the 1950’s where something normal-sized (a spider, a man, ants, etc) gets to be giant-sized, and then terrorizes a city (there are about a hundred of those kind of movies), then you don’t need to read this book. Actually, the best part of the book had nothing to do with Crabs- it was the suitcase full of money. That could have been written into a good story. We were all laughing so hard.. I don’t even know what we were laughing at now. I feel ashamed just writing all this. It seems so stupid now, but it was so much fun at the time. I guess we got pretty loud, or maybe somebody noticed I was missing, because eventually Eh?Eh! came in and was all like “What the fudge is going on in here?”, and we were all busted... but it was too late, because I already had Crabs by then. Like I said before, I feel just terrible about the whole incident. It was a momentary lapse in judgment, which will never happen again. I think everybody deserves a second chance in life, don’t you? -especially when they were never involved in anything like this before (the Danny Bonaduce book doesn’t count, because I found it by accident). So I was thinking that since I learned my lesson and all, and since it will never happen again, there is probably no reason for you to inform my parents about this lone isolated incident. It would only unnecessarily worry them. With Sincerest Apologies,Bird BrianGoodReads Class of 2008 (‘08 Rules!!)P.S.- I am available to speak at schools, to warn other kids about the dangers of Crabs, so what happened to me won’t happen to them. If somebody could drive me there, my parents don’t need to know about it.