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Beatles - The Untold Story: the death and replacement of Paul McCartney

Beatles - The Untold Story: the death and replacement of Paul McCartney - Ernie Schultze Beatles: The Untold Story. Yeah. The problem is, it got told. This is another gem from Smashwords- not porn this time; no... much, much more offensive. I'm thinking it was self-published because no publishing house with a legal department would want to print this much libel. I have no idea what Mr.Schultze's credentials are to write this, but my experience with the book went a little bit like this: Ernie Schultze (ES): Pssst! Hey! You wanna hear something crazy?BirdBrian (BB): Sure! Lay it on me!ES: The guy you think is Paul McCartney is really a talented double, who secretly replaced the actual Paul McCartney, who was killed in a car crash in 1966.BB: (cautiously) Mmmmmmmmmm. Billy Shears, right? I'm skeptical, but make your case. I'll listen with an open mind.ES: Cool! I'll tell you all about it, but first let me drop a few other bombs on you! Did you know John Lennon once peed all over the floor of his high school classroom and then made a "Heil Hitler" salute to the teacher, before running out of the room?BB: Wha-? Um, where did you hear that? I mean, I guess it could be possible, but... sounds like the sort of anecdote that would at least be an urban legend I've have heard by now, like Richard Gere and the gerbil.That sounds seriously disturbed, by the way.ES: I don't have a reference, but trust me, it happened. You know what else happened? Early in their careers, The Beatles played some pretty seedy clubs, and a lot of violent stuff went down as the band played. Once, a guy got stomped to death on the dance floor right in front of the stage. The band just kept playing, because, you know, those were rough-and-tumble times, and it was a rough-and-tumble place.BB: Uh...ES: Another time, in Germany, as they were playing, a guy got gunned down. It was some kind of underworld hit job.BB: I guess it's possible, but... just seems like an anecdote I would have heard before. Do you have any references I can check out?ES: No, but stuff like that didn't phase Paul, because his mother died right in front of him on his fourteenth birthday.BB: Aha! Now we're getting somewhere! According to Wikipedia, Paul was born in June, and his mother died when he was fourteen, but it was in October. You've got some flawed information. ES: Moving on... did you know that when the band lived in Germany, John used to get up on stage totally naked, with nothing but a tolet seat around his neck?BB: That sounds like bullshit. Again, I ask you for a reference.ES: (ignoring BB) And John also was known to frequently walk around the streets of Hamburg in nothing but his underwear, carrying a pet pig he had.BB: Enough! This is too over the top! This book was supposed to be about Paul being replaced. That's quite enough for me to process in one book. All these other bizarre claims have nothing to do with that, and frankly, they are undermining your credibility before you've even started to make your case about the secret double.ES: Fine. So it was 1966.. John, Paul and George went to this hippie guy's mansion...BB: A hippie with a mansion? Who was this guy? And how did he know the Beatles? ES: (ignoring BB) Anyway, he secretly gave the boys LSD. It was their first trip. They were totally freaking out. In Paul's mind, the handle on the door turned into a zebra.BB: How do you know that? Is this from an interview? ES: Then Paul got drunk...BB: Slow down! He was drinking while he was dropping LSD?ES: ...and he and John had a big fight! John thought Paul was a douchebag, who only wanted to tour around to make money and fuck as many women as possible.BB: That's what the fight was about!? Is this from some article or reference you can point me toward?ES: Paul ran out to his car and drove away at top speed. As he was driving, he was thinking about..BB: WAIT! Is this the crash where he gets killed? And he's driving alone? How could ANYBODY know what he was thinking about right before he got killed?ES: Do you want to hear this or not?BB: I'm not so sure.ES: Anyway, yes. He gets killed. The car crashes and he is not only decapitated, but every tooth is ripped from his skull, preventing authorities from linking the head to Paul.BB: Are you saying there's a question about whether it was really Paul's head or somebody else's? I don't understand. Was anybody else decapitated that night, in that place? And he still had fingerprints, didn't he? ES: LISTEN! This part is important! So once the authorities found out Paul was dead, they started freaking out! The British economy was not doing well at all, and in fact it was only revenues from the Beatles which was keeping the British economy from collapsing.BB: I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit here. I've got a reference here which says the British economy was almost $100 billion in 1966 -the year this all supposedly happened.I've got another reference here from 1965, where George says he's just on the cusp of being a millionaire (in British pounds, so let's say that translates to roughly $2.5 million). And here's a reference stating that in 1985, Michael Jackson paid $47 million for the rights to the entire Beatles catalogue... so... um, I'm not sure what math to do exactly, to prove you're wrong, but I don't think the Beatles were going to make or break the British economy.ES: They called a top secret meeting with the surviving Beatles and told them they could never reveal to the public that Paul was dead.BB: Where was Paul's family in all of this?ES: (ignoring BB) If any of them revealed this fact, they could be charged with TREASON, under the British Offical Secrets Act. Here.. here are a bunch of references stating what the British Official Secrets Act is. If you reveal an official secret, you can really be tried for treason. Don't you belive me?BB: Yeah. Thanks for all those references. The fact that you can be tried for treason if you break the Offical Secrets Act is about the least controversial thing you've said this whole time. Why is that the one thing you've meticulously referenced?ES: Just layin' the foundation for my argument.BB: Yeah, well.. the foundation isn't suporting much at this point. So tell me what happened next. Where did they find Billy Shears?ES: He had won a promotional Paul McCartney look-alike contest a year earlier in a Liverpool bar. (Beatles manager) Brian Epstein had noticed a picture of him accepting the prize, and made a note of it.BB: Sounds a little loose.ES: Next, the Beatles, with new Paul in tow, went back to America to immerse themselves in the emerging counterculture. Within 20 minutes of visiting a college campus, John saw a policeman in riot gear kill a student right before his eyes.BB: How many murders has John witnessed at this point? Like five is it?ES: That's how it really happened.BB: Is the dialogue how it really happened too? Becuase I notice there are hell of a lot of Beatles lyrics and song titles sprinkled in the everyday dialogue that goes on between the band members.ES: That's how they talk. If you don't belive me, you can get back to where you once belong.BB: Gotcha. Hey, Ernie, let me ask you something...ES: Shoot.BB: Heh, yeah, "shoot". Listen, you lay all this crazy stuff out there, and then at one point you just casually mention that JFK was killed by people in his own government. This whole crazy business isn't just an elaborate ruse to discredit the idea that the CIA killed JFK is it? Are you just trying to poison the well against that theory by associating it with your unsupportable crap?ES: I, um...BB: Because E Howard Hunt admitted as much on his deathbed. This book is COINTELPRO, isn't it?ES: (serious) You better watch yourself, fella, or you're likely to be buried along with your name. Just keep reading. Later on, you'll like the part where I talk (through John) about how there's no difference between the Democratic and Republican parties. You've said the same thing in your own reviews, Brian.BB: So you mix truth and lies. How very biblical of you...ES: Hey man! Take it easy! Listen: I know you. You know me. One thing I can tell you is you got to be-BB: Aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd I'm outta here. =========================================Oh, some more stuff:- John Lennon hated the steering wheel in his Rolls Royce. You'd think that would be something money could fix, but apparently not.- In 1968, the Beatles got a great idea to enhance their creativity: trepanation??? Yeah, right, Ernie.