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Gods of the Jungle Planet

Gods of the Jungle Planet - Vernon D. Burns BIRD BRIAN'S ADVENTURES WITH THE SPACE SWEDES ON THE CRAB DINOSAUR PLANETI've probably got no business reviewing this, since I didn't finish it... but unless it suddenly becomes a masterpiece after page 45 (when I quit), I think I pretty much stand by the review anyway. I'm sorry, MyFleshSingsOut, but I couldn't make it any further. Here are my impressions though...CHAPTER ONESuddenly I found myself aboard the bridge of the U.S.S. Discontinuity. "This book is a hell of a lot of fun!" Karen exclaimed, exclaimingly."Where am I?" I wondered aloud, inquisitively."Oh come on, Brian", MyFleshSingsOut laughed, "I'm sure you remember how the great Information Vacuum of January 2012 sucked all of the back-story out of our universe, leaving most people with almost no memory at all, so to save the human race, the few randomly selected people who remember the back-story of this universe were packed aboard a space ark to keep Earth’s memory alive, and to find the clues to who everybody is, and what they're doing, and what motivates them, and how they interrelate to each other.""Yeah, Brian", Karen interrupted, interjectingly "that's why we all have to talk to each other in longwinded expository asides which don't seem like normal fluent conversation at all. Surely you remember that, don't you?"I tried to collect my thoughts. “Remind me again why we’re here.”, I tried.The Captain came up behind Karen, exasperated. “Because the future of the human race depends on us. You know that. When this mission first started thirty-five years ago, they didn’t know that population generation was going to be such a big problem. By the time the civilization got settled, none of the pregnancies took. That’s why they decided to bring us in.” (REAL QUOTE!)“Uh, okay. What does Snyder think about that?”, I ventured.“No one gives a damn about us!” Snyder shouted, pounding his fist on the fold-out table to accentuate his points. He made an impressive argument. (REAL QUOTE!) Suddenly a light on the console started flashing. "OH MY GOD!!!", LT Nevermentionedbefore shrieked- her luscious nipples and ample bosom heaving beneath a gossamer-thin layer of uniform, which seemed to be cut in just such a way that you could almost perfectly envision exactly what she looks like naked, with like no imagination needed whatsoever- "It's the WORST THING IN THE UNIVERSE, AND IT'S HEADED RIGHT FOR US!!!!" The fearsome magnitude of terror was evident in her scared and terrified eyes.Fear broke out among the entire crew."The TELL/SHOW ratio is off the charts!!!" MyFleshSingsOut screamed. "This is the most terrifying thing that's ever happened to us!", just as enormous and all-encompassing fear engulfed me.CHAPTER TWOWe found ourselves on a planet of strange and unimaginable beauty."Hey! What about the WORST THING IN THE UNIVERSE?", I asked."Oh, that old thing? That's yesterday's news.", Karen replied. "I'm much more terrified now of the many horrors with Greek and/or Scandinavian mythological overtones which live on this planet, including the Skjerdal people and Soxxix VI, and the unfamiliar beings which I shall catalogue for you now, in exhaustive detail..." [EDITED OUT][FILLER]Just then, the hottest babe ever, almost totally naked, and with a slammin' body -including round soft ass, creamy thighs, shapely hips, golden skin, long luxurious blonde hair, ample firm breasts, round puffy lips, and bright blue eyes, which conveyed her deep sexual longing for me- came out of the jungle. She was immediately murdered in the most gruesome and gratuitously violent manner possible by the most horrific alien creatures, which had razor-sharp fangs, and spit out a spray of boiling-hot acid, and left burning lava for fingerprints, and had 10000 degree (Celsius) radioactive plasma for smegma... all very typical stuff you would expect from your standard Plutonium atmosphere-based ecosystem. "My God!", I exclaimed, "Wait! The atmosphere here is Plutonium based?!? This is the most terrifying thing ever." And it was. I was about to run, but then a luscious undeveloped character whose name eludes me suddenly pulled me close. "You miserable bastard", she moaned. "I don't give a God-damn about anything anymore, in this God forsaken wasteland of a universe." She was seriously like 10 out of 10, like probably hotter than if you put Jessica Alba's face on Pamela Anderson's body (or Sung Hi Lee's face on Pamela Anderson's body, if you're into Asian chicks, which I totally am). "Just make me feel your intense throbbing manhood pounding away inside of my intense throbbing womanhood." I melted into her luscious kiss, but then even more horrible reptilian monsters than the ones in the preceding scene tore her body to shreds with their knife-like claws and horrible grinding metallic teeth. They glowered at me with menacing eyes, which I couldn’t help but feel were very Crab-like, in their evil intelligence.[MORE FILLER STUFF EDITED OUT]"Damn fate and these god-damned dirty apes dinosaurs." the ripped Swedish space colonist railed, shaking his fist at the sky. "Things have turned out so tragically for me." he cried. "Wait, ...who are you again?", I queried, quizzically."I'm Sven."I reflected how his powerful tragedy might have touched me in some way, if he hadn't made his first appearance in this story, like three pages ago. [SPACE SWEDES FIGHTING SPACE DINOSAURS]The dinosaur rubbed his engorged member up against the human female. "Harry Harrison did it in West of Eden, and everybody LOVED that book.", it thought to itself...[RANDOM GORE]He stared at the stinger, his eyes filled with incomprehensible hatred.“To Hell with you, stinger! Straight to Hell you go!” he shouted with feeling. (REAL QUOTE!)[FILLER]Sarah regained consciousness and screamed out, some kind of dinosaur stroking one of its several penises as it rubbed it against her body. She'd woken up in some unpleasant ways before, but this one truly took the cake. (REAL QUOTE!)[MORE OF THE SAME]Man taking a piss in the woods is startled by a dinosaur and humorously falls into the urine-soaked grass.[CARNIAGE]================================… that’s about where I quit. This is how I imagine it all ends:[BLAH, BLAH, BLAH] "God-damn it!" Flyndrskn declared, "I'm through wimpy-assing around!", as he pulled out his mechano-beam and started mowing down the hordes of bloodthirsty dinosaur-like creatures, who had us surrounded, and who fell upon us in wave after wave, in a seemingly never-ending series of waves.[ETC.]"And that's what I call a good old-fashioned asswhooping", Flyndrskn quipped, blowing smoke off the barrel of his still-red-hot Monster-pulverizer. We all breathed a sigh of relief, realizing the day had truly been saved, and we could now relax with some gratuitous post-carnage coitus with all the super-hot sexy naked Swedish space porn stars, who were looking at us with a primal animalistic urge to get it on. THE END